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How To Give A Cat A Pill…

  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
  2. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
  3. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow
  4. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
  5. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  6. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  7. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
  8. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger
  9. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  10. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
  11. Call spouse from garden.
  12. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
  13. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
  14. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
  15. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
  16. Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap.
  17. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
  18. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  19. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
  20. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  21. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.
  22. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  23. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed.
  24. Get another pill.
  25. Open another beer.
  26. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
  27. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band
  28. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges
  29. Drink beer
  30. Fetch bottle of scotch
  31. Pour shot, drink
  32. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab
  33. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect
  34. Toss back another shot
  35. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom
  36. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road
  37. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat
  38. Take last pill from foil-wrap
  39. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak
  40. Be rough about it
  41. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down
  42. Consume remainder of Scotch
  43. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye
  44. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table
  45. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters
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